At A Stand Still

Everything is pretty much at a stand still...Things are not getting better nor are they getting worse. So far no CPS so thats a blessing. Nate and I met with our pastor on Saturday morning. After talking for an hour and a half about the "Box Sermon" he did last year..He gave us "homework" First off Nate has to come to me on his own time and tell me he is committed to our marriage..then when he has done that I am also supposed to do the same but not at the same time he did it and not before. Then we both have to write out the issues we have..such as some of mine are his sleeping habits, sex in general, and the rolls of the house..there are a few more.. but you get the point..and when we have both done all of this he is supposed to call and make another appointment..but that was Saturday and it is now Monday..What is it going to take.. If he was committed wouldn't you think he would have just come out and said it already..

We have both been put on the bench from youth group because we are not being good roll models i guess.. I have a feeling we wont be aloud back on until we start to show we are trying..so i am thinking if he takes two months to do what he is supposed to do..how am i supposed to do what i am supposed to do to let show we are trying...Youth group is Monday nights..Like tonight and i wont be there with my girls and I am so sad..

I suppose I am supposed to just do my half and wait for God to get a hold of nates heart.

On another note tomorrow is my birthday! I am finally graduating from being a Teenager! lol Ill be 20 :) Kinda curious to see if he gets me anything but i doubt it so i shouldnt even expect anything. I got some money from some family well all of nates family. so I can go get my hair did and get some new clothes..Its time to dress like a young adult not like i am 17 anymore..I am chubby now so ill probably hit up ross because its cheap and i dont wanna spend too much because i am still loosing baby weight. I got a book called Potty Wise today and its a few methods on potty training..I am about to go crazy because Ella is stubborn so maybe if i can follow something i can get this down!

Asher is 11 pounds and I am pretty sure hitting a growth spurt..he wont stop wining he just wants to eat alllllll the time..Its exhausting. I better go now tho because as i type this he is crying and ella is throwing food.. the Joys of mother hood i suppose! Have a great evening!

-Lindsey

Im a little better now..

The night my crazy aunt calls telling me shes going to call CPS on me, is the same night i called the sherriff on duty here in my super small town. He told me NOT to stress, if she was going to call then they would HAVE to come out to my house. But they CANT take the kids unless they get a court order froma judge and to do that they have to prove i am neglecting my kids and they are in a bad environment.. My house is ALWAYS clean..we got into a little tiff..that happenes to the best of us

I am not totally worried anymore..I think it is stupid that they would even have to come out here but i have nothing to hide..

Nate was aloud back into the house on some conditions...We came up with a plan of action..if things get heated and the other one wants to leave LET THEM and when they get back we can try and talk again..but we CANNOT let this happen again. I grew up in a similar situation. I know first hand what this is doing to my kids..they are still young enough to where i can break the crazy cycle. THis is going to be so hard..Please pray for our family thank you

Lindsey

THank you for the comments. VERY much appreciated.

Worst Weekend Of My Life

It NEVER fails it seems...everytime i brag about how great my hubby and i are doing somthing goes wrong. We got into it pretty bad on friday. we were yelling at eachother and i tried to leave and he tackled me for the car keys and he got really physical with me.. Anyways I called my mom in AK. Hysterical.. I needed her..she called my aunt 2 hours away..she came and tried to get Nate to leave that didnt work.. then she called my pastor and my mom back to have her call my dad (whos house we live in. thinking that he could get him out.) my dad lives 14 hours away and he was at my house saturday morning. By then nate was gone. He went to stay with some church family..its been nothing but drama..my aunt left on saturday once my dad came to my house..well out of the blue she calls me last night telling me she is calling CPS because i am an unfit mother and i am unstable and i beat my kids..This women is CRAZY! one minute she is my best friend and now she is like going nuts..I am so stressed out!

I need some sleep..Ill post more tomorrow when i can think straight. sorry i was MIA

-Lindsey

I am so Humbled tonight!!

So WOW... I just came home from my home group tonight..It was awesome. In our discussion we talked about spiritual markers.. I am usually the TALKER of the group..I love to talk..But tonight as we were talking about OUR own personal spiritual markers I was quite. My leader asked me "Lindsey you are pretty quite tonight what are you thinking? What are you markers?" I was thinking about my answer but I Just didnt have one or a few.. I was just said that in one year my life has changed..I cannot believe it. Its been one year since i committed my life to God and Moved from California to start a new life..And a NEW life it is..I am no longer in an abusive relationship with my husband..he is starting to learn how i like to be loved and vise versa..We are 100% debt free.. I live in a family owned home so i dont pay rent other than too my savings account. I had my son. I just LOVE Both of my kids. I got a new car at a GREAT deal..I am now a small group leader to my 6th and 7th grade youth group girls..who knew in just a years time i would be teaching the bible and walking beside young girls..I am so happy i gave up being so stubborn and gave my life over..Thank you Jesus for EVERYTHING :)

The Husband...(Nate)

Well..where to begin..I met Nate a few months after a really bad break up.. i was 16, and staying with a family i used to babysit for..I had no rules. I came and went as I pleased there.. I had a best friend names Alex..a few of her friends I was not close to I think were going to the same church nate had been attending.. I got a call from Alex one day when i was on my lunch break at work and she was like hey me and a few guys are gonna go eat and see a movie..I will be the only girl..do you wanna go?? I said sure..In my head i was like no more boyfriends nothing I CANT DO THIS AGAIN!! I got off work a little late so i was in a rush to go home and get ready..so i was like well i am not gonna even shower or anything. I am not trying to impress anyone.. anyways there was three guys..Nate, Ben, and Lo. And then me and alex..we went to chilies and to see a movie..it was Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer or something like that.. after the movie it was like 12 so we went to dennys. While we were there i was sitting next to nate just kinda chatting not even flirting I SWEAR! Anyways I ended up paying for what he got because the stupid watress put us on the same ticket and then couldnt figure out how to separate them so i just was like whatever ill pay..Thats when it allll Began...UPS and DOWNS..ALL the Time..I was he was 20..I was insecure and jealous..so we fought all the time..He told me he loved me after two weeks of dating and i was vulnerable and said it back..I think i meant it too..because when he took it back because he said it when he wasnt sure he meant it..You dont do that to a girl! ugh i was devastated and stopped talking to him. After a few days he showed up at the house i was staying at and said he was sorry and stuff..not all sure what was said but i ended up going back to his dorm and sleeping with him for the first time..then our relationship was consumed with going to the movies and having sex and going out to eat lol.. we said we loved eachother but we ALWAYS would fight. a few months went by and i was back into my house and still seeing nate.. but he asked me to go to church with him..he said it was important to him and if we were ever going to have a future he needed me to go to and learn and hear about the Gospel so I agreed.. a few more months went by and my mom gave me the news that my step dad was retiring and we would be moving in a few months.. i was like no way. you are not taking me away from him..I am 100% in love..I meant it for real at this point. So I asked if i found a family to stay with could i stay behind and finish school..I didnt want to switch schools my junior year either.. So a family from my church took me in..at the time it was the worst thing I EVER did because they were strict and didnt let me do hardly anything i was used to..Nate being a grown man on his own didnt like that i couldnt do the things he was used to..we started fight ALOT because i wasnt gonna go against their rules..so he broke up with me and came to get his stuff..well then he asked me to take a drive with him and talk..so i did. we went to block buster to return a movie..and while we were out i asked him if we were gonna talk and he said no..he just wanted someone to go with him and we were DONE..so i cried and cried and cried..he told me on the way back to shut up and he hated me and i was the worst GF ever..since he told me about the girl friends before and stuff that HURT..I punched him in the face while driving down the free way..we got off the freeway and he pulled over and got out of the car and ripped me out of the car and he grabbed my arms and squeezed them and just held me there. Then we both cried and felt bad he said sorry i said sorry it was so emotional..he said that he didnt want to break up so we didnt..then when we got back on base he was like come over to my place and i told him no i couldbt because i had other plans with Jess and Cher..the family i was with, he again freaked out and told me he hated me ..so i tried to talk to him and he was just like no no no i am done done done..so when we pulled up to the house he told me he just wanted sex from me..i again punched him in the chest this time and my finger nail got caught on his zipper of his coat and ripped my nail and it was bleeding everywhere.. we got out of the car again and he started screaming at me that i was crazy to never talk to him again or he would call the cops on me.. he ended up texting me that night saying he was sorry and such again..I told him i didnt want to break up i loved him and i was sorry..he said he was sorry too. I went to his dorm instead of school the next day to talk.. we both decided i was moving back into my moms house because these other people were CRAZY! so i moved back in and then two days later i find out that nate and i had a no contact order put on us..Cher told his boss that he beat me and left bruises on me..she tool pictures of my arms where he grabbed me..so that was the end of FEB so they put it on us till July 1st 2008. so 5 months..we ended up sneaking around a lot behind the AF in hotels and stuff..(My mom was letting me) well then on the weekend of my birthday he took me to the hot springs resort and proposed to me..with my moms permission. I said yes and then we set the date for the day the no contact order was up! So in april I went to the dr for a UTI and came back telling my mom i was pregnant..I told nate and he was excited. I was too because we were already getting married. My mom signed the papers for us already. a month later i went to anchorage with teresa because my mom and i were fighting and i was stressed and worried about the babies health. a few weeks after that nate called one day to tell me they kicked him out of the AF..so i went back to my moms to pack my stuff and his stuff..we took a uhaul to teresas and stayed there for a month putting our stuff in storage while we went to Vegas to get married (that was the only place where the parents didnt have to be present, and i only needed one signature from my gardian instead of both..my dad said no way) so we went to vegas got married on the first like planned then when to nates moms in CA for two weeks..When we were there they convinced nate to move back..so we went back to AK got some of our stuff and drove from AK to CA..I didnt want to leave my family i fought nate on it for two weeks before we left but i gave in because he was my hubby...We went to cali..we were there for a few weeks and he got a temp job then he got a call about a real job..it was great he got insurance paid for us.. So we moved into our own apartment in october..things were going okay.but we still needed help with money because our rent was 1100.00 a month!! ugh we had little Ella in December.. things were awesome..i was so happy to be a mommy :) I was still going to school for awhile too. they even let me take her with me. in Jan nate was laid off after his 3 month probation period was up..we were screwed..I took ella to AK to meet my family the end of Jan so he could focus on looking for work.. While i was there he found a job. I was only there for a week. when i got home we moved out of the apartment into a two bedroom with a friend with a daughter also so we could have cheaper rent and more room. She left us high and dry tho one weekend so we were stuck with a 1600.00 rent. he went through 3 more jobs and we went through different roommates..some good and some bad...During all this time we would go to church when we needed help then we would get help and stop going..then some thing else would come up and it started all over again..we went and there was no real meaning to it for me anyways..right after ella turned one nate was going through not having a job..he just gave up looking and started smoking pot...it killed me. I hated it i have never smoked ANYTHING in my life..and he wouldnt stop..so I told his mom. I had no other choice. she threatened to tell his dad..his dad is an amazing guy and he would be so ashamed of nate if he ever found out. so he stopped and we started to go to church for real this time. for the first time i committed my life to Jesus and that was the most Awesome thing i have ever done EVER. in Feb i took ella too Idaho to meet my mom..I decided not to leave because nate wasnt finding work and we had just gotten our taxes.. so he agreed to move here. I found an apartment, and he drove here. when he got here in march we found a church right down the street and kept attending.. he got a job at the end of march at walmart and has been there since.. It has been almost one year. Like i said now we are debt free and have a new little boy. Things are getting 100% better with us as a whole.. we still fight and argue but we have help now from God and Great people from the church walking beside us.. :)

Looong story..Lets see if I can Make it Short....

I dont know all the facts about the beginning of my life..My mom and my dad and my older sister ALL have different stories...So this is what I believe happened. Let me start off by saying my dad is a bad alcoholic. My mom is..well crazy. Anyways..My sister and I have the same mom but different dad.. She didnt know her dad growing up, my dad was the only one she was close with. So when i was born my mom, dad, and sister all lived in Mountain Home Idaho. My dad was in the USAF. When I was 2 or 3 my dad got new orders to Anchorage, AK. My mom didnt want to go with him because he always was drinking and kicking us out of the house..(I dont know if that is true or not) So my mom and dad divorced and he went to AK and my mom, sister, and I stayed in MH. When I was about 4 my sister and I went to go live with my dad..My mom will tell you it was a mutual decision between the two of them..but i believe that Social Services told my mom they would put me in foster care unless I went to live with my dad because she wasnt taking care of me..she would leave me alone with my 13 year old sister, while she went out and did drugs and drink..My sister came to AK with me she was only supposed to stay a summer but decided to go to school that year too. She was getting into a lot of trouble so she went back to my moms.. I remember talking to my mom for a little while on the phone after my sister left but after awhile the calls stopped and the cards in the mail stopped and I didnt talk to my mom anymore..meanwhile I was being raised by my step mom Teresa. My dad was always gone at the bar and when he was home he was drunk also..I dont remember very many sober moments with him..Teresa and my dad now have 3 kids. Jacob who is 15 and the twins hanna and tucker who are 10. They divorced when i was in 7th grade. Teresa and I had a love hate relationship..she loved me i think but because i was my dads kid and my dad cheated on her and treated her bad and was never home she took it out on me..she smacked me around a lot and when jacob was born it got worse..I was always grounded..and the kids at school made fun of me ALL the time because i was never aloud to do anything or do my hair the way i wanted or anything. When the twins were born thats when the divorce started to take place. teresa caught my dad cheating..The summer after 7th grade a big fight broke out between teresa and her sister..my aunt told me that my mom called the house looking for me and then i asked teresa why she didnt tell me about it.. she wanted me to tell her who told me..so i did and she called me a liar..then my aunt came over and said yes i told her and my aunt took me and left for a few hours..next thing i know i am getting screamed at by teresa that the divorce was my fault and she hated me and that i needed to pack ONE bag and go with my dad..so i did. then the next day he had me on a plane to Nevada with my great aunt. During that time i was contacted by my mom there. She kinda bribed me to go live with her and I did.. (she was in Medical Lake Washington her husband was in the AF there) she was cool for maybe a month but then she turned into this crazy person who blamed everything on everyone else..she let me do what i wanted whenever i wanted..i was dating older guys ..in high school when i was in junior high..I wasnt having REAL sex with them..just oral and other stuff like that.. she caught me one time because i wrote in my diary about sneaking out of my house and what not..she lost it and tried to punish me but i walked all over her.. she was wishy washy..and i knew i could play her.. during this time i had started to talk to teresa again because she had the kids..I LOVE those kids with every part of me.. so i had to be civil with her. I dont know where my dad was at the time..not with her i know that. She apologized for everything.. and told me the truth about why she didnt let me talk to my mom for 10 years..her and I now are SO incredibly close. she raised me. she is who i consider to be my MOM. My real mom is just the person who gave birth to me... The middle of my freshman year my moms husband got orders to Fairbanks AK..how ironic i would end up back in AK.. I was there until I was 17...when my adult life began...In my next blog i will write about my Husband and how we met and my kids. Sorry if this all makes no scents..I am trying to put it all out but its hard because there are so many details..Ask any Questions i will answer ANY of them ;) thanks to the few of you that are reading..

-Lindsey

Sad :-(

I started to read this ladies blog last night..She lost he baby a month a ago..She just stopped breathing..It breaks my heart. I have been complaining non stop lately about needing ME time and needing a break from my kids. Then when I read that she had lost her 4 month old baby it made me so sad that i would want to take a break from my kids..I was put in Prozac a week ago because I was in a funk..Having nervous break downs because my little girl has ALWAYS been easy has turned into a monster and I felt totally over whelmed.. Now I just embrace her and Love her and Asher even more than I did before which i didn't know was possible! Nate keeps asking me why I kept reading her blog because it was only upsetting me..I dont have an answer..I just feel so sad for her i feel like i need to help her..but now i keep thinking what if that happens to my baby?? hes not much younger than her baby girl was..I just need to trust God. I need to trust that he has a plan for me and my life and my kid's life. I think i am going to enjoy writing things like this out..and even the good things. sorry if its all scrambled at time..these are my thoughts going on paper so to speak..I plan to write tomorrow more about me and my life but for now i need get some sleep while i can..Both kids are sleeping! YAY!! Goodnight

-Lindsey

Introducing Me, My Kids, and My Husband

My name is Lindsey, and I am a Christian wife and mother of two. Ella Noel (2) and Asher Thomas (2 mos) I have been married almost 3 years(July) to Nathan. I am 19 years old, but I feel like I have been on this earth a lot longer than that. I have been through things that no person should have to go through. I did not have the WORST childhood but I did not have a great one either.. I am hoping to share my story and be some support to other moms or teens who need it.

I have been through a lot. I had my daughter when I was 17 and was married to Nate at 17..he lost 5 jobs in one year in California.. we struggled so bad financially, emotionally together.. we knew the right thing was to go to church and live for Jesus but we just couldnt Obey..We finally commited our lives to Jesus December 2009.. Ella was one and we both and no jobs and no money..we had nothing..i went to see my mom in Idaho so she could meet ella. I convinced him to move there with me for a fresh new start. So thats what we did. in march 2010 we started over FRESH in a new place and a new life in Christ. He got a job at Walmart on my birthday (march 29th) we had our own apartment, things were looking up..We started a new church as soon as we could and have been going since :) I had my little boy in January :) and we paid off all of our debt in February. We got a new car to fit our family because we had a small 2 door sports car.. we tried many times to get a new car before and we were always rejected! And now we got a new SUV and at a great deal..we didnt put ourselves in debt to do it! We have been in Idaho for One year now and nate has had his job almost one year and I give all the credit to God..he got us through EVERYTHING! Now we are both Youth small group leaders at our church and loving it! Both kids are growing up and doing well..

From here on out I want to write about the rest of my journey as a Young mom of two and a wife..Its the hardest job in the world but i would never change it!

Bear with me please..I am a horrible writer but i have been praying about how to vent and get things off my chest without a HUGE fight with my husband..Him and i are a different story, We are in love but its been hard to mend our relationship from the past.. were working on it and i believe we will be together forever and continue our lives through Jesus :)
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